49 Minutes of Si and Jase Turning Work Into Fun (& Cha0s)
You don’t have to blow that loud. Oh, you got to make sure it’ll go. Do you hear me doing that? I don’t hear you doing much of nothing over here. Well, I’m inventing a new duck call. Is this new call gonna make money? No, Si, we’re just gonna give ’em away. JASE: I’m back there with the riffraff.
I’m an inventor. You can’t put me in this setting and expect me to invent. Willie, I need a new office. You have an office. I just need a place to get away up here so I can concentrate. You want an office up here? I’m the COO. Oh, Jase. JASE: In this company, Willie’s number one. I’m number two. And that’s what he’s treating me like, a big pile of number two.
You’re doing great in that space. WILLIE: An office is for smart people. Jase isn’t exactly part of the brain trust. He’s more like a brain fart. Jase, I can’t help you. You can’t have one of these offices. They’re for Wh@tever. [quacking] SI: What have you been up to? I tried to get a new office for me, but they’re all full.
I’m the COO. I need a place to think. What if we just build one? Martin looks really dumb. That’s one of the greatest ideas you’ve ever had. But he’s really smart. You want something done, you do it yourself. Hey, that’s what started this company. That’s what started this country. That’s it. Hey. MARTIN: We’ll help you build it.
I don’t think we ought to tell Willie. No. This is gonna have to be a covert operation. As soon as he leaves, we’ll start. We’ll build it and ask for forgiveness later. JASE: Let’s do it. In the Army, they call that initiative. Yeah. SI: Go on the offense. Then I’m gonna close the door in his face and say, I’m busy.
Tell him, I’m busy. Don’t bother me right now. Yeah. Hey. Wh@tever you’re mad about, I didn’t do it. I’m not mad. Oh. JASE: Oh, OK. No. You’re doing good. Hey, look. Korie’s out of town and I got roped into the petting zoo with Miss Kay. So I’ll be out. So I need y’all to make sure you get stuff done.
Have fun Looking good. at the petting zoo. Go to the petting zoo, you dog. Anybody want to trade with me? No, you’re good. Have fun at the zoo. This is perfect. He’s gone. I say let the building begin. Well, what are we waiting on? Welcome to the warden’s office. I’m thinking right here. We got a wall. We got a door.
All we got to do is build three walls. If a bunch of Egyptians could build pyramids with no equipment, I think I can take three grown men and build an office in less than 24 hours. Si, what are you doing? Si’s measuring. 16 feet. I just thought you were practicing for a field sobriety test or something. Hey, do me a favor.
What? Touch your nose like this and stand on one leg. I’m not gonna do it. Oh. What’s in that cup? Easy, boy. Easy. JASE: Si, are you sober? SI: Sure, I’m sober. JASE: I don’t want you to nail your own foot. Easy. Unload. I can build anything. I mean, look. If a beaver can build a house, I think I can build an office.
[upbeat music] I’m liking it already! SI: When you grow up with your brothers, you know just the right button to push just send ’em off. This right here, building this office, it’s gonna push Willie’s button. It’ll be 4th of July around there for a couple of days. Bottle rockets. So let me get this straight.
The only way in and out of here is through Willie’s office? JASE: You are correct. Willie is my brother. I used to sleep in the same bed with that joker. That’s unfortunate. Oh, I know. I mean, I’ve seen that boy wet the bed. You know what I saw Willie do one time? I saw him, when he was a kid, laying down.
And he was peeing at an arc, and it was hitting him right between the eyes. You know what I’m saying? [upbeat music] Bring it on in. A little more? GODWIN: All right. Hold. SI: Hey! Hey! Whoa! JASE: When I said I want a new office I got one of these. So I’m taking it upon myself to build my own office.
And guess what. I’m gonna build it right beside the boss. Down. No, your other down. There you go. Whoa. Oh. Oh. OK, I’m out of here. I got the best seat in the house right here, boys. JASE: I didn’t ask them to help me ’cause I think they’re smart. I basically need live bod1es with a heartbeat. Intelligence is optional.
You got me backed into one spot. Nobody moved the ladder though. You said put it right there where you were standing. Hey, you got to be more Pacific. Pacific or specific? SI: Hey, I’m not Si, the Pacific is an ocean. Yeah. No. We ain’t talking about not Atlantic, Pacific here. How did you graduate high school? He didn’t.
You be more Atlantic, ’cause Martin’s gonna be more Pacific. And I’ll be the Indian. SI: Yeah. I get to talking fast and they have a hard time understanding me. Hey, they just need to think faster. Are we gonna build this roof or are we gonna play with oceans all afternoon? That way, they can keep up with my voice.
Who brought oceans up to begin with? [upbeat music] The object is to hit it on the head. Go straight up. Let me see. Oh, good night. I think Willie is gonna be happy that I built this office right beside him. I’m gonna tell you. It’s amazing, when I get a bunch of rednecks together, what we can accomplish. Redneck ingenuity.
They’re geniuses sometimes. Jase. Yeah? Here’s my contribution to you. Say h3llo to my little friend, George. Well, I appreciate that. Hey, you got to treat George right now. Old George the beaver, he’s been with me for about 20 something odd years. That was like losing one of my children. Don’t play with my beaver too much.
Hey, he don’t like it. [country music] Linda, can you bring me that file on [quacking] JASE: What do you think? This is the new, official oasis of Jase. You built an office? I don’t know what Jase is thinking. He had to have worked harder building this little office then he’s worked for me in 10 years. That’s my door.
That’s our door. Dude, you’ve crossed the line. [upbeat music] JASE: Hey, Willie. Willie. WILLIE: Jase, the people in these offices don’t talk to each other through the walls. They work quietly or they send emails. [sighs] I love working next to Willie. This is going back to our childhood. We had one room, all the brothers, and we played games all night, built forts, played army.
Did you ever figure out how to make that guacamole? Shut up and work. Man, I like that stuff. JASE: Although they weren’t always good times. There’s nothing worse than waking up and realizing that you’re in your brother’s urine. Hey, you know this old frog I got? He won’t come out from under that rock. Jase, I don’t care about the frog.
Hey, Willie, what you doing? WILLIE: Jase has totally redefined the term ADD. He’s ADDD. What do you think about it, Mr. Beaver? He can’t shut up. [thud] JASE: Hey, Willie. Willie. Hey, Willie. I just had an idea. [quacking] Oh, there it went. Load this sucker up and get it out of here. MOUNTAIN MAN: Ain’t he gonna be mad? WILLIE: I could care less if he’s mad.
MOUNTAIN MAN: Mm mm. Mm hmm is right. Jase has been great his whole life at coming up with stupid plans. And I’ve become even better at totally dismantling them. Let’s let her r.i.p, tater chip. [upbeat music] [frog chirping] Yup. There goes the COO. [frog chirping] Oh, my. You know what my hobby is? Pissing Jase off.
Easy. What about it? About time you showed up. JASE: There was a building here, and it’s gone. It’s like it vanished. Where’s my office? Something happen to it? You demolished it? I relocated it. Where did you move it? Come on. I’ll show you. JASE: What are you showing me? WILLIE: Remember I told you about those goats? This way.
Are you kidding me? WILLIE: What do you think? JASE: That’s my office. WILLIE: It was your office. Now it’s Mr. DooDoo and Hershey Kiss’s office. There you go. You think this is funny? This is stupid. JASE: I cannot believe you would do this. Right on your desk. That’s two of your coworkers now. JASE: You got my duck calls laying all over the darn floor.
Oh, that’s got goat pee on it. I just k1lled two birds with one stone. Kay gets her goat pen, and Jase doesn’t have to talk to his stuffed beaver anymore. You can blow duck calls as loud as you want, and you got company. JASE: Oh, I had somebody talk to my frog. Where’s my frog? It’s one thing to mess with my office, but it’s another thing to mess with my frog.
I had bonded with that frog. We had become best friends. You know, I can never drink coffee out of that pot again. Come on. Let’s eat some crawfish. Let’s go up there and eat some crawfish. JASE Oh, yeah. And then you can get over it. Quit pooping over everything! [goat bleating] Times are hard for the duck men.
Slow days in duck h.unting, that’s just gonna happen. Yeah, I tell him stories, just like when I was in Vietnam. You know, you got to do something to make the time pa.ss. Look here. a trapper. You’ve got a wolverine in the trap. And he shoots this wolverine in the head. Well, unbeknown to him, there’s a baby wolverine watching this.
[music playing] There’s an art to storytelling. You got to have a good p.unch line or something to spice it up a little bit. It can’t just be a bland story. Hey, that baby wolverine grows up and declares war on this sucker. Some of Si’s stories you could label as science fiction. The scary part is I think Si believes them.
He comes in and just ransacks his cabin. He just pisses on everything in the cabin. That’s sci fi all the way. That’s truth. All of my stories, they’re 95% truthful. No way. Wolves chasing and burning his shoes up. My tennis shoes didn’t catch on fire. They did get hot. Big buck deer the size of elk. That story was true, everything about that.
Wolverine stories. I saw that on television. So I don’t know. It’s a long list of science fiction. But they’re pretty fun to listen to. Hey, I don’t really care if they believe me or not. When they’re laughing, they ain’t a bunch of sourpusses. [music playing] [school bell] TEACHER: I’ll see you in just a little while.
OK, why don’t you put it back up there on your h00k. Hi. Phil Robertson. Willie Robertson sent us for your Career Day. Wonderful. [music playing] Oh, I’m gonna teach the kids a whole lot of things they can’t learn in school. We don’t need a world full of straight A students. I’m an ole C average man myself. Si’s probably a C minus.
We’ll have you go down this Hall, go to the second set of double doors, first door on your right. And you and I will go into the library. Thanks. Thank you. [music playing] All right, children, we have our next visitor for Career Day. This is Si Robertson. And we’re so excited to have him here. I want you to put your listening ears on and give him a hand.
[applause] I’m fixing to teach kids that, hey, somebody paid the price for their freedom. Have you y’all ever heard of the term “Nam”? There was a war in Vietnam that we was involved in, the Americans and the Vietnamese, OK? Does anybody know how many people d1ed? So y’all think the fried chicken places will always be there.
You just pull up and say, hey, give me a McDonald’s. What if there are no McDonald’s? You can survive and eat pretty good. This is food. I’m gonna show you how to prepare it. Boy, this duck be fat. I wonder why he’s so fat? I want you to look how big this is. Lo and behold, look what’s in his craw. It’s an acorn.
See right here? So there it goes is wing. The duck’s head has now been removed. Ooh, a little bl00dy. [music playing] There’s a lot of things they can learn from an old guy like me that would be very helpful. How do you catch something in the woods and eat it? They need to know that. I’m gonna push down with this finger, and I’m grabbing up in there and 1, 2, 3.
STUDENTS: Ugh. [coughing] STUDENT: Oh, gosh. STUDENT: Oh. [music playing] That concludes my little session with you kids. It was, uh oh, what can I say? It was awesome. STUDENTS: Ugh. SI: People got sh0t up. The medic was running around fixing them all up, propped this guy against a tree. He had a shoulder wound, stopped the bleeding.
There’s a Bengal tiger, grabbed this guy he just bandaged, dr4gging him off. They got to k1ll the tiger. And there ain’t nothing but bl00d spraying everywhere. TEACHER: Uh, I think that’ll be just fine. Appreciate it. TEACHER: Say thank you. STUDENTS: Thank you. Mister Si. You’re welcome. Hey, I don’t think it could’ve gone any better.
Some of them may wake up at night, you know, with nightmares over it. But that may not be a bad thing. I don’t remember having no Career Day at where we was at in high school. We was too busy working. I would say Career Day was a roaring success. We taught them about life. We taught them about death. We taught them about food.
Great job. [music playing] When you gut a duck, there is bl00dshed. Oh no. MISS KAY: But people don’t usually do that in the cla.ssroom. In the cla.ssroom? PHIL: I removed the gizzard from the intestines, and that’s when most of the little girls began to squeal. Phil, we’re not in the pioneer days. I think there’s a whole lot worse things going on in this world than picking a duck and dressing him.
Maybe it’s just me. SI: Hey, we was trying to enlighten these city slickers. KORI: What did you do, Si? I told them about Vietnam. You told fourth graders about Vietnam? About the war, yeah. These are the guys you need to talk to about that. What’s wrong with y’all? WILLIE: Kori’s got two looks normally happy, and then angry.
And believe me, when she’s angry, it’s all over her face. Didn’t you have a prior obligation today? Uh uh. I we I subbed that out. That wasn’t something you can just sub out. I took care of it. You took care of it by sending your dad and uncle Exactly. KORI: and talked about Vietnam and cut off ducks’ heads.
In front of eighth grade girls. Y’all was supposed to go talk about a career. Hey, we done what we was told. Don’t hey, don’t blame us. I don’t know why Kori’s so mad anyway. It’s not like I sent two creepy, strange men down to school. I removed the gizzard from the intestines and said this would be a gizzard.
Well, hey, you know? OK, she does have a point. But they’re still family. When you say you’re gonna do your child’s Career Day, you should be there. You shouldn’t just pawn it off to somebody else. Y’all shucked your responsibility. I didn’t know that I was supposed to do it. I just thought it needed to get done.
That’s ridiculous. Two grown men MISS KAY: Well made a bet. they gone. WILLIE: Well. MISS KAY: Well. PHIL: I know we should’ve gone duck h.unting. WILLIE: I’m thinking of a logo change. We’ve had the same logo at Duck Commander since the beginning. Now, I’ve decided it’s time for a little revamp.
Something new that says, “Duck Commander is moving. Its on fire.” [music playing] It’s important for companies to adapt and change with the times. Fire! Woo. That’s the dumbest thing I ever heard in my life. Last thing I want Duck Commander to be is the Blockbuster Video of the h.unting world. We’ve had the same logo for 40 years.
You have it tattooed on your arm. I’ll get a new one of wh@tever we think of somewhere else. Maybe on my back. Lower back? Put it on your forehead. You know, like the girls do these days. That’s why I don’t bring you ideas, because you are stupid. Get back to work, DJ Tea Slammer. You got it. Mm mm mm. [squeals] WILLIE: Trevor, man, I like this one with the duck, but the duck is kind of plump.
I’m really leaning towards the blinged out one. I’ve kicked up the logo change into high gear. Hired a brand consultant, had him mock up a few new logos. BRAND CONSULTANT (ON PHONE): Pulled on some drop shadow on there. Make it young, make it hip. I still want to keep it cla.ssy. BRAND CONSULTANT (ON PHONE): We’ll run it through a focus group.
Does that cost money? BRAND CONSULTANT (ON PHONE): Yeah, absolutely. Well Nothing cr4zy. could we add some fire? BRAND CONSULTANT (ON PHONE): Oh, absolutely. Mm. It’s time to set this logo on fire! Pst. BRAND CONSULTANT (ON PHONE): We’re really, really like what I’m hearing on your end. What I really want to do is mock up a few more logos based on the conversations we’ve had, lots of fire, lots of flame.
A tough guy duck’s gonna really We don’t want bling. BRAND CONSULTANT (ON PHONE): Really pimp it out Yes, we do. We do not want bling. We need bling. This is stupid. You’re stupid. BRAND CONSULTANT (ON PHONE): I’m sorry, what was that? Sorry, my brother came in. It’s fine. Who is this guy anyway? This guy is a brand consultant.
He knows what he’s doing. You should fire him right now. BRAND CONSULTANT (ON PHONE): Um. When is Willie going to learn this system is working? You’re going to ruin our logo, which has been in our family for 40 years. It looks like the old one. It’s not broken. Quit trying to fix it. BRAND CONSULTANT (ON PHONE): It’s sounds like you need to work things over with your team.
He’s not on my team. I’ll call you back. BRAND CONSULTANT (ON PHONE): Well, we’re going to really bling this out for you. How does that sound? It sounds good. All right. See you. Sorry. Bye. That guy’s an idiot. BRAND CONSULTANT (ON PHONE): I’m actually still on the phone, guys. Oh. Sorry, bro. Sorry. Thank you, again. (WHISPERS) Stupid idiot.
BRAND CONSULTANT (ON PHONE): Thank you. You still there? This guy is doing a brand for your company, and he wants to put bling in it? I like bling. I’m trying to help you out, because I’m trying to keep you from You like that? A duck with a g.un? Yeah. JASE: There’s so many things that’s wrong with that. Let’s just think about that.
Why would a duck want to shoot other ducks? It sounds counterintuitive, but I actually do care what Jase has to say. I mean, he is our target demographic, after all. Now, this one, I like it, but I’m just not It looks like a But his criticism isn’t always the most constructive. JASE: That’s all I’m saying.
I can’t get it out of my mind. It’s a duck soaring like an eagle with a g.un. It looks like a big But that’s not to say that it isn’t valuable in a brainstorming sort of way. All right. Let’s see it again? Oh, yeah. It’s definitely a But any good leader knows to surround himself with good people who don’t always share the same perspectives.
When I see that, I think, “That’s not a ” Bottom line, Jase can be a real pain in the butt. I’m going to look at. Thank you for your comments. I’m trying to help you out here. Look, you’re Really? This is you helping me out? My group, The Slap Happies, can do a better job than that. I can prove it to you. Wh@tever.
JASE: They’re great at doodling. And that’s all that is. You can do wh@tever you want to do, son. And it’ll be no charge. [groans] Korie, come tell me if this looks like a butt. KORIE: Willie. All right. Stop what you’re doing. I got good news for you. We got a new job. Hey, look, I’ve already got one job and that’s enough.
It’s the same job. We just have a different avenue. Look, Willie has his way of doing business and I have mine. Willie wants us to do a logo for the company. Hey, I’m into LEGOs. Stop. You want a donut? Logo. And I’m looking forward to proving to Willie that anybody can make a logo. No, we’re not building anything.
We’re drawing. I can’t draw. You just take what we got and make it better. Because let’s face it. If these guys can do it, anybody can do it. So Willie’s going to let us do that instead of this? Yeah, he was all for it. He was like, go for it. I h@te the gopher. So I figure would you read the doodle, or would you rather put together duck calls? Doodle.
I’m a doodler. I can doodle. All right. Works for me. MARTIN: Let’s do it. JASE: All right. Let’s do it. SI: (SINGING) And this is how we do it. JASE: All right. I know none of us are artists here. Speak for yourself. OK, Jep. Let’s see where we’re at. Jep, what we got? Hold it up. This is called “Power.” Called “Power?” “Power.
” Hey, he’s on steroids. Oh, my goodness. Well, I may have spoken too soon when I said anyone can create a logo. This is what you want. Dude, that looks like a dr4gon. Smaug. It turns out that my team may have over thought this a little. We’ve got a big blob. It’s a cloud. That is a cow patty. Freshly dropped. Look, it’s got steam coming off of it.
Or under thought it. This is a hard core DC fan. He tattooed “DC” on in cheekbones, OK? Or just not thought about it at all. All right, I thought y’all might go a little overboard. So I kept it simple. DC. The comic books. JASE: You can take our old logo see put it up here. It’s simple, but I like it. All right.
So what do you think? What’s your vote, Jep? You got one? Jase’s. Sorry, Martin. I got to go with that one. You didn’t even ask me for my vote. You’ll vote that? Yeah. Wh@tever. Throw away your vote. All right. Well, you lost. It’s 3 1. You lose. Hey, you know what we should do? Take that to the print shop on Cypress Street.
We’ll make it look official. He’d never think we’d did that. Hey, can we go eat lunch when we do this? Yeah. Well, let’s quit talking about it and let’s go do it. Yeah. Agree. JASE: Nice work, gentlemen. SI: We pulled that one off, boys. Oh, there he is. Ooh, gravy. Gravy is up. OK. Here we go. There’s a thing over there, those cards in that bowl? You put a card in there, you get free lunch for a week.
So you have to have a business card to enter? Yup. What about all the blue collar workers? I don’t like collars. Then why are you wearing one? I ain’t. Yeah, you are. Yep. He can’t see it because they don’t have a neck. You’re the man with no neck. You ain’t got no neck. Yeah. Eat you some gravy. It’ll be all right.
You know what we ought to do? Since we’re going by the printing place anyway, we need to all get us a business card. Great idea. With the new logo. Problem is, though, you’ve got to have a title on a business card. We’ll make our own up. What are you going to be, then? Jase Robertson, Vice President of Duck Call Strategies.
I’m going to put Jep Robertson I, Vice President of Duck Call Assembly. I’m already the vice president. You can’t have two vice presidents. There’s one to a company, I think. No, I agree with that. There’s tons of vice presidents in a corporate ladder, man. I know, but it just seems weird that that’s what you’d pick.
It sounds cool. Well, I’m going to be Vice President of Duck Call Production and Quality Control. Why are we all vice presidents? That don’t make sense. I think I’m going to be a vice president. I’m going to be the General Manager of Duck Call Relation. What, you don’t want to be a vice president? That’s a pretty big deal, general manager.
He works for us. No. General manager. Let’s go get us some business cards. I’m in. And the logo. GODWIN: I’m going to get me some mint. JASE: These business cards were a pretty good investment. JEP: Hey, they’re paying for themselves already. Oh. Look at that. That was a floater. What? Why did you make business cards, and why are they all over the floor? Hi ya! Well, we bought a few too many.
Vice President of Duck Call Strategies? Yeah, that’s me. That’s not even a title. Well, if spending this moment with Phil wasn’t bad enough Vice President of Duck Call Manufacturing and Quality Control? apparently my employees have done absolutely nothing while I’ve been gone. Reed Making and Nap Taking Technologies? Technologies.
Actually, this is worse than nothing. They’ve given themselves fake promotions. You’re missing the most important part. What? The new logo. It’s on the card. That’s the logo? Yeah, that’s the logo. WILLIE: That’s what y’all came up with? Yeah. Looks good, don’t it? I’ll give you this. It’s better than what I thought y’all would have come up with.
So Your expectations might have been a little low. Oh, they were very low. It really it doesn’t matter, because I have our new logo right here. Jase, you’re going to love this. Let’s see. Lay it on me. Looks just like the old logo. That’s the same one. To the untrained eye, you may think so. Drop shadows, font is bigger.
You paid a brand strategist for that? No, I actually fired him. It was a waste of money. That guy had stupid ideas. That’s the same one. Mostly the same. So basically, I was right. The fact that Willie didn’t even wind up changing the logo shows you that anybody truly can do this. You had some good points. You added to the discussion.
It’s a team effort. So basically, I was right. I mean, I’ve said before and I’ll say it again. I’ll give you a little credit. OK. I’ll take it. If it’s not broken, why are we trying to fix it? So basically, we just wasted a whole day? How’s that different from any other day? MARTIN: I’m going home. Good job, Will.
Yeah, good game, Will. Yep. You looked good out there. Coach, good game, man. Thank you. Good game, coach. Yeah. Thank you. Be good. Hey, can I drive? Have you lost your mind? It’s raining, son. Well, I have my permit. He does need to practice, even in the rain. Yeah. All right. We’ll split the difference here.
I’ll let you back the truck out, and then I’m going to drive home. You good with that? Mm hm. All right, cool. Back it out. Foot on the brake. All right. I didn’t serve overseas, OK, to d1e in a parking lot. Take your time. All right. Hands at 10 and 2. Don’t let dad and Si make you nervous, now, Will. OK. All right, take your time, but like, a little faster than what you’re doing.
So it’s kind of a tradition in our family that Willie teaches the kids how to drive. I potty trained them, also helped them with their homework, read books to them. All right, Will. You got this. You’re all clear behind you. Stop. Oh. Is that all you’re doing? Put it in park. OK, Will. You did good. He didn’t k1ll anybody or injure anybody.
Good job. I never remembered you reading me a book. Me? You never remember me reading you a book? How soon they forget. I might not cook for you, but I read you a lot of books. I actually cooked for you when you were a baby. [makes gulp noise] Good job, Will. WILL: Thanks. He’s been doing really good.
I think he might be SI: He’s the big man. I think he might be our best driver. SI: Cut it down in that direction, son. Si, I think I know what I’m doing here. SI: Hey, you’re fixing to run over something. WILLIE: I ain’t running over nothing. I I told you you was going to run over something. KORIE: Si. WILLIE: I just bumped it.
SI: Coach, you all right? KORIE: Oh. COACH: He should’ve let you drive. He should’ve let you drive. He should’ve let you drive. You knocked over the whole thing. You gonna watch him knock a hole, coach. It’s because Si was back there talking, distracting me. KORIE: Willie, you cannot blame this on Si. I can blame anything on Si.
You hit the cart. Y’all should break that tradition with him teaching him how to drive. I’ll teach you. When’s the last time you ran into something? On the way here. On the way here, she said. I knocked out part of the mirror. She knocked out part of the mirror on the way here. Are you serious? Yeah, she hit the garage.
Yeah, it’s true. So this is a family thing. Actually, John Luke ran into your car, right? Right. Whenever he first got his license. Right. That’s why I got tape set back there. Hey, and guess who taught him? Dang it, that’s a scratch. I’m having a hard time with this family. Oh, that’ll buff right out. Don’t worry about it.
It’s weird that we’re going to have four kids that are driving. West Monroe will never be the same. It’s a lot of insurance. Ooh, yeah. You got the money to pay for it. Don’t worry about it. Pipe down, Si. All right. Sorry about that, Coach. Si, see what you did? What? Me? WILLIE: Well, I’m saying you’re sitting there in my ear the whole time.
SI: Do not blame your bad driving on me. WILLIE: Si. WILL: Dad, I don’t think you should teach me. Hey, dad, since it stopped raining, can I drive home? WILLIE: Ah, may be rain coming, son. KORIE: Dad. WILLIE: All right. You gotta practice sometime. He’s gotta practice. WILL: Sweet. Look. He’s not qualified to teach you.
You were the one who hit the basketballs, babe. That’s right. I kissed them, like a gentle kiss. No, you didn’t no, no. It’s because you were talking while I was trying to No, no. Don’t blame it on me. I ain’t behind the wheel. Besides OK, think of this this way. What if that had been bombs? What? Yeah, there could have been bombs, dad.
It could have been bombs. OK. Boom, we’d all be de@d. You are not fit to teach this young man how to drive, because you’re not fit. Unlike me, I am fit. What does being fit have to do with driving? There ain’t but one guy around here that’s qualified to teach you how to drive a vehicle, that’d be yours truly. Oh, no.
- The only thing he can teach you driving wise is the drive thru at a restaurant. Not true. May I take your order? Yep, four ma.ssive burgers. I’ve drove everything from a Jeep to M1 Abrams tank. M1 Abrams tank. We get it, Si. Then I’m qualified. Actually, dad, can we stop by somewhere to get something to eat? Well, I’ll tell you guys what.
I’ll get my driver’s manual. A manual? And I’m going to see who’s best, according to the manual. That’s a good plan. Look, this is not about a book, all right? This is about learning how to drive a vehicle safely. Si, there are rules of driving that you have to know. No you don’t have to tell me. It’s a jungle out there on that highway.
The boy’s got to know jungle rules, OK? You’re not going to teach him how to drive. I think this is a good idea. It’ll be good practice for Will. All right, fine. You got a deal. All right, go ahead and drive home there, buddy. We’ll pick you up tomorrow, if we remember to think about it. You better study, Si.
By the way, what time are y’all picking me up tomorrow? WILL: I’ll text you. Hey, you know I don’t text. WILLIE: All right. Y’all ready? Wait, wait, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Put your belt on first. Safety always first. That’s one point off. Well, no, I had not technically put it in drive. Wait.
Hold on, one more thing. Got to check your mirrors. You got to check and see if there’s any children. Whoa. Uh oh. Minus 2 points. SI: Hey, too heavy on the gas pedal. You are not fit to teach this young man how to drive, because you’ve had too many accidents. You run over and backed into me in the parking lot in my own truck.
All right. Whoa. Si, I haven’t had a wreck in like, 20 years. WILL: Oh, docking you three points. For what? Going too far past the stop sign. Another minus 1. No blinker. Will, you don’t have to put a blinker on to turn out to Oh, yeah, you got a put your blinker on. You was teaching Sad1e how to drive, and she run over everything in the Duck Commander parking lot.
Not true. Will, I’m hands down the best driving teacher. Oh, docking you two points for driving with one hand. What are you talking about? Says it right here in Section B. Section B. On page 23. 23, boy. If he teaches you how to drive, West Monroe is fixing to turn into a demolition derby. That’d be actually pretty fun.
Well, hey, he’s your man then. All right. Uncle Si, it’s your turn. All right, first thing to do is safety first, boys. Safety first boys. Hey. Now, OK, check the mirrors, OK, yep. Mm hm. Turn the blinker on. Hey. This thing’s got a little power, boy. All right, that’s minus 10 points for going Oh, wait. Wait. way over the speed limit.
Hold it. Hold it. No. Si is an ins@ne driver. No, no. My driving record is relatively unscathed. Mine is zero scathed. I’ve only had one bad one. I ain’t had none. WILL: Docking for crossing the white line on the right. What do you mean crossed the white line? All right, that’s minus 5 points for you. SI: What do you mean, minus 5 points? I’ve been driving since I’ve been about four months old.
Huh? What? Yeah. My dad used to sit me in his lap in the old Model T. Look. We’re fixing to pull what is known as a U turn, starting right now. Then here’s the U part of it. WILL: That’s a circle. So we’re making what is known as a circle turn. WILL: Minus 20 points. This is the guy you want teaching you how to drive? I don’t even know anymore.
So what have you got? I see you’re tabulizing there. Both of y’all flunked the test. What? We’ve had our driver’s license for way longer than you have. Yeah, what are we going to do now? Actually, I have an idea. What’s that? We could go to Excalibur and go ride the go karts. SI: Now, we’re talking. WILLIE: Oh, please, no.
WILL: All right, guys. This is the ultimate driving test. This is a go kart race. We’re going 10 laps around this whole track. I thought we were going 100, Grand Prix style. Si, we’re not going 100 laps. We’re going 5. Five laps. I can do five in my sleep, buddy. Five laps, but it’s a race to the death. Or at least, you have to break something or be bleeding.
He’s going to be bleeding, trust me. I’m going to put him in the wall. Si. Somebody’s got to lose a finger. GODWIN: Uh oh. Hat’s backwards. Look out. I got wall on my mind, and I want Willie What is your problem? to smack it. Me and Si failed Will’s driving test. So now, we’re going to race go karts to prove who’s the better driver.
Are we going to do this, or what? I got my money on the old cr4zy one. If that wasn’t cr4zy enough, the guys have placed obstacles from the warehouse on the track to make it more realistic. This is going to prove nothing. I feel the need for speed, boys. Look. The only reason I created this stupid go kart idea was I wanted to show little Will that it takes real sk1ll to drive.
Will, I can’t believe you talked me into this. I can’t believe you even got in the kart. I just hope that I’m not going to be teaching little Will how to drive from a gurney. Ready, set, go. Uh oh. Willie’s is de@d. Oh! Crap. He got loose. Look at him. Oh, he’s taunting him now. Getting beat by a 90 year old man.
Go run! Hey, Willie don’t understand what he just got himself into. This is combat driving to the Death. Two men enter, one man leaves. Hey ya! Oh. Oh, He put a move on him. He put a move on him. We got a race. Whoa. Ah! Oh! No. Something tells me Si must have, like, a lifetime pa.ss out here. Yeah. Come on. Shine and chrome, Valhalla awaits.
Last lap. GODWIN: Oh, look! Look! Look! Uh oh. Willie’s making a run on the outside. JEP: Oh, no. GODWIN: Come on, come on, come on. Put him in the statue. JEP: Oh, no. GODWIN: Pay me my money. Hey, he cheated. It’s all over. And the Grand Prix winner, SI: Yours truly.
Boom, baby. That was a dirty move. What do you mean a dirty move? That’s the only move. I have learned a lot from what you have taught me, but I have come up with my teacher. Who? John Luke. That’s the stupidest idea I’ve ever heard. That’s the plan now. That’s the worst idea ever. John Luke’s had five wrecks in, like, a year.
I was fixing to say, he rolled his dad’s pickup. He’s totaled one of my trucks. Well, those who can’t do, teach. Oh, boy. That’s fine with me. I’ll give you three more laps. Double or nothing, come on. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Double or nothing? Double or nothing. Make a new bet, boys. Go, Si. Hurry up. SI: Hey, look.
What are you doing, knucklehead? WILLIE: Eat my dust, old man. [music playing] Yeah, you are way off. Oh, look at that. You’re looking at the wrong hole? Look, you need to buy my video, four steps to improve your golf game. I’ll help you, son. Ah, sh That was embarra.ssing. Well, I can’t help it. My whole body sore.
Oh Dude, I’ve been sleeping on an air mattress waiting on my house renovations to get done. I love air mattresses. Have you ever slept on one with kids? Jess and I finally decided to move into Willie and Jason’s neighborhood. So we bought a fixer upper. Your arm will get stuck under somebody.
You wake up, you have no feeling in that arm. I h@te that. Only problem is, I wasn’t aware of how much fixer uppering needs to be done. Throw the kid off of the bed and move your arm. Simple, boy. So now, we’re staying with the in laws. It’s not very fun. At all. Renovation is tough on a marriage. It takes a lot of money and there’s no you know, no place to be intimate.
So Oh, you can get That is true. intimate an air mattress. No, you can’t. Yeah, you can. I tried that. Run them kids out. Yes, you can. That thing deflates in a hurry. Floating on air, son. You go rent a motel room. Another one in the pool. They say that the three most difficult things in a marriage sex, money, renovating your home.
Nice factoid. You know what the key to it is? What? Hey, be happy. Well, it’s hard to be happy when you get your arms numb for weeks. Hey, this one’s been numb for 40 years. What’s that got to do with it? How much longer is it going to take? I don’t know. Well, look. You can stay at my place. Oh yeah, stay with Si.
Hey I got plenty of room. That wouldn’t be stressful on a marriage. Si, I got four kids. They’re kind of loud. Hey, I love kids. I got Cheerios. You got what? Look here. My house? I got all the stuff kids care about. No, I don’t want to impose. There’s no repossession at all, son. I’ve got high thread count sheets, OK? In house washer and dryer, great water pressure.
Stress free situation, boys. I got a pretty neat cat. He’s cool. His name is Sweetpea. I don’t think I’m a stay at your house. The best part? I got one of them little robot maids. Dune Buggy or wh@tever it is call or wh@tever it is, y’all. It appears out of nowhere, and it’s sucking up everything on the floor.
All you hear is eee, here it comes, OK? Taking a shower, and you hear, eee! Oh, uh oh. You know, Lisa and I work with couples all the time. If you ever need any help, I’m there for you. Actually, I could use your help tomorrow. I’m moving boxes and my chicken coop. Moving is not really my bang zone. Well, y’all are in, right? Yeah.
I’m out on the moving. How convenient. No, I promised the kids I’d take them fishing. We done been planning this for weeks. Since when are you coming? Weeks. Well, I need y’all’s help. This is a no chicken zone. The neighborhood watch said no farm animals. These aren’t farm animals. They’re domesticated chickens.
That’s just stupid. Well, did they have names? Say, Winkie, Boo Boo What? You can’t have pets with names like that. My kids named them, not me. No, they need to have names like Blazer and Slash, Rambo. Look, do your chickens do tricks? Yes, they lay eggs. That’s not a trick, Jeff. That’s what they do. That’s natural.
I got a trick for them. Fry them up, then call me. OK, boys. It’s all in the hips. Si, you don’t have any hips. Oh! Si It’s a piece of junk. All right, let’s see what you got. Oh, look at them! Yeah! Look at them go! River is like a cowboy. Uh oh. What? What in the world. Oop! What is that? Incoming. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What? Boom! What’s it look like? It looks like a bunch of soda. That’s exactly what I thought you’d say. In the yuppie world, when they want to have a moment with their kids, they take a bunch of balloons, and they, like, let them go. You’re going to have so much fun that you’re not going to care whether we catch anything or not.
What we do is we take a bunch of jugs. We put them out there in the water with bait on them, and we say, OK, here we go. To the untrained eye, it looks like a bunch of soda. These are soda bottles. We’ll have little fisherman and a little fisherwomen before the end of the day. Why do you have all these? I ran up on old Jimbo, and he had a palette of soda.
And he was going to throw it away because it got recalled or something. Whoa! Si! That’s good stuff. You want a sh0t? That way you can taste it. Si, the reason I got this is because it had gotten old. It’s no good. Here, take a swig of No! No, no, no, no, no, no. It tastes like sarsaparilla. No? You want to drink it, that’s fine, but don’t give it to the kids.
That’s not what it’s for. It’s really not fine, but Does anybody want to guess what the best part of jug fishing is? Catching fish? Eating fish. Drinking the soda. Incorrect. You ready for it? You take your bottle. You take the bottle.You get the mojo working. This is the third most fun part of jug fishing.
1 J, Jase, I don’t know about this. Oh no, it’s a good idea. 2 Yeah. Guys, this is not a good idea. Oh yeah, this is a great idea. Jase, I think you should rethink Oh no, this is a good idea. Jase! Hey, save your shoes! Hey! Hey. [interposing voices] Boy! Babe, where are you going? I’m gone.
Save your shoes? you’re not armed. Oh, . Oh, look at! Look, I got a live one here. We got a live one, boys! Got a live one! Oh yeah. Incoming! All right, who’s ready to go jugfishing? I give you Mia, drum roll. There you go. I give you the perfect jug rig. All we need is some bait.
Are you going to put the worm on? Sure. See that? You know, I don’t have yuppie kids. When I was a kid, I would go jug fishing. All right, pick you out a big juicy one. Big juicy one. Ew! Is that a juicy one? I don’t know! Squeeze it. Is it juicy? We would put out the jugs with a string hanging from the jug with a h00k on it and with bait.
And he knows what’s coming, Mia. So that’s why he’s squirming. He’s hanging on for dear life. Oh, no, no, no, Mia. He’s hanging on for dear death. This ain’t his first rodeo. But I will guarantee you these kids will not be bored. Ew, it’s bleeding! No, that’s not bl00d. The worms don’t bleed. That’s just What is it? You know, I think it’s poop.
Ew! I’m never high fiving you again. They’re going to have some fun. Si? I’ve told you to quit drinking that grape soda. [burp] What is this, your second bottle? That’s two been up. So you’ve got four liters of grape soda in you? Look, everybody’s always so concerned about me. Everybody lighten up, OK? You’re not worried about all that soda being inside of you? No.
Soda better be worried about being inside of me. I would be scared to. Look, I made it through a tour of ‘Nam, OK? I’ve been married 43 years, OK, to a flaming redhead. [burp] Hey, ? DOD you do that? A heart @ttack, two kids, eight grandkids Well, if you see Si explode, somebody call 911. and then the worst part, 15 years with Willie as my boss.
911 can’t help you, . Good grief. Hey, look. If I survived through all of that, ain’t no grape soda gonna k1ll me. Well, let’s get them all out in the water because Si could blow at any moment, and that’s going to be the end of the fishing tr.i.p. You might want to get a little distance here. All right, be careful, boys.
I think I’m fixing to blow. It looks pretty out there. It looks pretty? I don’t know about pretty. Oh no, she’s right. It is pretty. That’s the prettiest minefield I ever seen. How are we supposed to even catch them? You just watch the jugs. And when you see one start moving vi0lently Ho, there’s one right there moving.
Si, that’s called the wind. Maybe I’m a little sloopy from all the grape sodas I’ve drank. Yeah, you’re definitely under the influence, Si. Hey, you drink four liters of, you know, soda, hey, you’ll be a little sloopy too. I don’t even know what sloopy means. Soda loopy. All right, look, I’m so sloopy, I got to pee.
Look, there’s one. Speaking of wiz, hey, nature’s calling. And hey, sorry. I’ll be right back. You done talked me right into it. Banzai! Go, get him. Go get that bottle! Get him, Si! Ah! Look, look! Uncle Si got one! Look at this sucker, boys! Mission accomplished. Go, go, go, go, go! There we go. Get him, River.
River. The kids not only had fun hey they will be telling this story for years. Dad, I have one. All right, y’all ready? Oh my goodness. They will be gathered around a campfire and tell about the day Hey, look right there We sent out the minefield of jugs [groans] and we caught a 30 pound be4st.
Hey, kids. Y’all guys can go get them. I’m all out. And their uncle overloaded on expired grape soda. We should go jug fishing more often.
