Hall0ween Cha0s & T0ilet M4dness Nobody Asked For (But Here It Is)
I’ve got costume ideas for everyone. Costume is not in my vocabulary. This is the costume. I’ve never really understood why people get so excited about dressing up during Halloween. Jase, you got to dress up. The kids, OK, I get it. I’m not wearing a costume. But grown men getting excited about dressing up? That’s just creepy.
Wh@tever, you don’t get any candy. Oh. First thing we got to do is Oh my goodness. figure out what costumes we need. OK, I have a great idea, couples costume. All right, two, we’re not doing couples costume because that’s stupid. Willie, I want to be Cleopatra, and you can be Marc Anthony. I’m not being that dude.
Who would be J.Lo. Well, Marc Anthony, not Anthony. Well, unless Marc Anthony had a chainsaw, I ain’t being him. All right, fine. I’ll be Cleopatra by myself. Feel like I just got done gutting a deer. Y’all look awesome. Those teeth are really creepy. Hey, Babe. For real? Nothing? I mean, the kids are probably scared.
What are you guys talking about? Oh my God. Now that’s scary. That’s not scary. He’s a beaver. All right, look, it ain’t about the costume, it’s about the attitude. hey, you’re telling me that if you saw a beaver the size of a man that that would not scare you? Look at his tail. I’m a happy beaver. Buck teeth the size of your head? Look, once chomp, he’d bite your right arm off.
There’s no bl00d on him. Right, that’ll come later when I eat a kid. That’s scary. I’m a mutated beaver. Hey, you don’t want no part of the beaver. OK? Oh, crap. Hey, everybody. Oh my goodness. You look so cute, Missy. I love it. What are you supposed to be, Willie? Some kind of hobo cowboy? What? He looks like a cowboy they got too close to the fire.
Oh yeah, you kind of do, Willie. Well, at least he has a costume. I couldn’t talk Willie into the couples costume. Couples costumes? Whenever that happens, that means manhood has left the building. You never Got to go with him on that one. under no circumstance would you ever That’s a sure sign. wear a matching outfit with your woman.
That is not true. It starts with matching sweaters, and then it evolves into something much worse. Oh my goodness. Look at that. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. I rest my case. Jess, you said there was going to be couples costumes. I tried, I couldn’t talk him into it. You said we could win an award.
No I didn’t, I said you’re going to get a reward. Are you going to wear that? I should’ve offered a reward. I’ll win in the end. You know what you should win? A razor. This is so embarra.ssing. This is embarra.ssing. You ready? Let’s show them how we practiced. Five, six, seven, eight. Come on, let’s come on, buddy.
We didn’t practice. That never happened. Give in. Give in. Jep, we worked hard on that. Jep, do it for us. Come on. Just for us, Jep. Come on, just for us. One time, Jep. One time. Come on. Come on. Jep. Jep. Jep. Go Jep. Go Jep. Go Jep. Good moves, Jep. Good moves. Go Jep. OK, that’s it. I now have found the new bottom for men everywhere.
It works, bro. It’s good. All right, everybody, it’s showtime. Gentlemen. What about it? Have I got a surprise for you. This is a little mini bonus from me to you. Bonus? Now we’re talking. Big money. Bologna. Pbbt. Ooh, good grief. Mmm. Mhm. Being the entrepreneur that I am, I recently opened my own family restaurant called Willie’s Duck Diner.
And the best part is I get to design the menu, including my very own signature sandwich, The Boss Hog. So I want y’all to do a little taste test. No. No. WILLIE: Since my sandwich will be the king of all sandwiches, I’ve decided to make it from the king of all meats bologna. That’s 50 animals in there. Ooh, yuck.
And it’s all the animals It’s mostly pork, I would imagine. If it’s pork, it’s like his anus or his nose. Oh, boy. Oh, good grief. Oh, boy. Bologna is like the Michael Jordan, the Wayne Gretzky, and the Mark McGwire of meats because it’s big and healthy, but it’s fast too. And it does hockey st I don’t really understand hockey, but it does that too, wh@tever that is.
Skating. Nobody’s going to order that at a restaurant. SI: No, you need to choose a better quality meat. I’ve got different sandwiches, all right? We got the Godwin, we got the Martin, we got the Sloppy Assistant. Johnny D has a sandwich? Technically it’s called the Sloppy Assistant. I’m your brother. So is Jep.
He doesn’t have a sandwich. I’d like a flat bread. Of course you would. You ain’t helping with the restaurant anyway, so look. Yes, I am. I just landed your diner the title sponsor on the racing circuit. Are you kidding? I did that for you because I thought, well, he’s got a diner. I love race cars. Well, it’s not cars.
Well, then what are we racing? Racing outhouses. Oh my gosh. Outhouse racing has become a pretty big deal around these parts. What? Hang on. JASE: It may sound pointless, but they said the same thing when NASCAR was introduced. And look at the advertising now. These people will forever a.ssociate, OK, the outhouse with the diner.
I don’t want them a.ssociating that. This race could do for Willie’s Duck Diner what stock car racing did for Wonder Bread. We get a free spot in the race since you’re the title sponsor. If you want advertisement for your restaurant What do you win? Free food from Willie’s diner. Oh, good grief. I ain’t giving you nothing.
I’m telling you, it’s genius. OK, that’s it. Y’all need to get back to work. This was a stupid idea. Willie’s Diner. There’s nothing like a great bowel movement. Yeah, I mean it’s pretty good. That’s a thing of beauty. I don’t care what you say. You know what it’s missing? All right. Let’s see. Where are we going to put them? Look at the cool factor. Look at this.
The cool factor, boys. Boom. JASE: We’re taking a used toilet and transforming it into a high performance racing machine. That’s pretty intimidating right there. SI: Oh, yeah. And you might even let it be dr.i.pping some bl00d. JASE: Now we just need the final touch to make it stand out. Intimidation. The intimidation factor.
Awesome. When we’re finished, the only scent coming out of this outhouse will be the smell of victory. Let me take a look at these rules. Driver shall wear a protective helmet. You are one spaced out cat there, Garfield. Si. And, Jon, get control of your pets, son. Si. What? Driver shall wear safety helmets. No problem.
Two people must push it. That’s me and you. I guess it has to be me and you. Plus, we’re brothers, so it’s like Peyton Manning. I’ll be Peyton. And you’ll be Eli. Peyton is older. All right. I’ll be Alec Baldwin, and you can be any of the other Baldwin brothers. Steven. Steven. There’s another one. Yeah, Billy. I don’t know them.
All right. We’ll be the Wright brothers. That’s right. JEP: And I’ll be Orville, and you’ll be Wilbur. Great. OK. Sucker. Who’s going to ride? Y’all want me to drive this puppy? Saddle up, partner. JASE: Si’s the obvious choice to drive this outhouse. If you can crank it, I can drive it. All right, boys. You don’t have to put the lid up.
Do what? We’re attempting to build brand awareness for Willie’s Duck Diner. Need all here. You need here. What human draws more attention than Si? Here. Here. Here. Are you kidding me? SI: Here. Here. Here. Here. Here. And you may want to put it a little bit down there. You put him in an outhouse with wheels? Oh, people are going to watch.
Now. Si. Hmm. Si! We gonna race this thing or what, boys? Let’s put the horns on. SI: All right. Go by the hospital before the race and pick up a quart of bl00d. I don’t think hospitals give out bl00d just for SI: Well, you can give them 35 bucks and then, hey, we’ll, you know, dr.i.p bl00d off the horns. Maybe this is not a good idea.
SI: Let’s give this puppy a test run. JASE: Saddle up, partner. SI: Ha! I’m going to go around the brick, around the boots, in between the pole and the bucket, and to the finish line. You will d1e if you hit that pole. SI: All right. Y’all get my helmet on, boys. It’s back. I set a safety helmet, Si.
No. You just said helmet. Driver shall wear safety helmets. No problem. Driver has helmet on and is ready to race. Let’s crank this baby up and go for a ride! It’s time to test this outhouse. Si may not seem nervous now, but when this thing gets up to speed, let’s just hope he has the stomach for it.
The toilet does not have actual working plumbing. Come on, now. Y’all can do it. MARTIN: On your mark, get set, go! Go. All right. Here we go! Easy, easy. Wide, turn it. Oh, boy, this thing can move. All right. All right. Now, turn it again, boys. Look at this! Oh. Here we go. Now, turn it again.
Hey! Hey, stop this thing! Stop this thing! Hit the brake! Uh oh. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, get me out of this piece of junk. Look, there’s so many opportunities to go out in a blaze of glory. Hey! Going out in a racing toilet? That ain’t at the top of my list, OK? GODWIN: Stop, Si. He almost ran into that thing.
Hey, open this door before I kick it off. Get me out of this piece of junk. You know, F 18 jet f1ghter, fully combat loaded? Now, that would be OK. Good grief, boys. But yeah, how did he d1e? Oh, he got k1lled racing a toilet. Oh, really? Yeah. No. That was awesome. Oh, the driving was awesome. That was fast! The stopping is the problem.
I’ll tell you, the brakes You got the brakes. Hey, the brakes ain’t no good on this piece of trash. That’s why I like it. Well, you boys get in there and drive it, and then the other two push him and I see how y’all do. JASE: What you think about old Turnip Greens here? Why did you call it Turnip Greens? They produce the greatest bowel movement ever.
Oh my god. Fastest movement in the West. Fastest movement in the West. That skull is awesome. What? Thank you. MISSY: It looks like bl00d. SI: That’s an intimidation factor. That is gross. Why is it called Turnip Greens? OK. Because it produces the greatest bowel movement. Ugh. Look, Jase is Oh my goodness.
Speaking of turds. Phillip McMillan. He’s back. Uh oh. Headache. Headache. Well, I should’ve known this would happen. Any time you set up an event like this, it’s bound to attract the bottom of the barrel. Hey, hey, hey. WILLIE: Hey, what are you doing? Si, don’t run over my staff here. I was wondering if he’d be back this year.
That’s right. The original sultan of the trailer park, Phillip McMillan. Does the guy not have a job? Does he race everything and anything except for cars? All right, even though this is a giant waste of money, we need to beat him. JASE: Oh my goodness. Well, well, well. Look what we got here, boys. Carnival shut down for the day? I didn’t know the duck dorks were flipping burgers now.
Good one. I can’t tell what we got here, Mr. T or CeeLo Green. Can you sing? That’s funny, Si. Real funny. Hey, you can’t race. I know that already. Last time, I lost by a technicality. Boom! Chest bump. You lost, didn’t you, there? But you lost. You lost. That’s the point. You win some, you lose some.
Today, I win some. What am I saying, boys? Pipe down, Wes Mantooth. Is he for real? Get that dump truck ready. Get out there on that white line, and let’s get it on. Technically, all outhouses are dump trucks. True. That one’s a turnip dump. That don’t even make sense. That’s funny. Yeah, that’s funny.
Mhm. Let’s go, guys. Turnip dump. WILLIE: Jase, we got to win this thing now. I didn’t think you cared about this. WILLIE: Well, now I do. You got to take the villain down. JASE: This is a game changer. I went from hoping to win to needing to win. I ain’t driving. This thing ain’t got no brakes. What? Well, it’s got them technically, but they don’t work.
OK, that’s not good. Jase, I think you need get in and race thing. MISSY: Yeah. I think you may be right. This is the ultimate “Game of Thrones.” First thing you do is, hey, get the oil can out and oil everything that moves. Yeah? SI: Including Jase. Oil him down? Make sure everything’s fast. I’m not oiling him.
That’s awkward. MOUNTAIN MAN: Things are off. They’re neck and neck. It’s a tight one. Potty Mouth has took the lead. Lad1es and gentlemen, the minor attraction race. Phillip McMillan in a millionaire mobile. I hope you can drive that Turnip Green in a ditch. MOUNTAIN MAN: And Jase tooting along in the Turnip Green wagon racer.
Let’s do this! You know what time it is? Time for you to lose. JASE: I can actually say that this was all fun and games up until this point. Now the gloves are off. Just ’cause you spend a lot of time on the pot doesn’t mean you’re an expert. Fire in the hole, boys. Oh, it’s on now. PHILLIP MCMILLAN: Y’all ready? Baño y baño.
Let’s go, boys. Go get him, Willie! All right. All right. MOUNTAIN MAN: And they’re off! And they’re off. We got it. Woo hoo! MOUNTAIN MAN: OK, here’s the the second race. He’s coming in hard, everyone! MARTIN: He’s catching him now.
He’s pa.ssing him now. MOUNTAIN MAN: It’s Phillip McMillionaire Mobile by a hair. Oh, come on. Phil crossed the line first. Oh, yeah. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Gah, that was terrible. Where’s the brake? No brake. No brake. No brake. To be so close to victory, only to have it r.i.pped out of your hands at the last second by a pudgy, yellow wig wearing man in Crocs? It’s just downright embarra.ssing.
Who won? Boo! I threw that at you. I may never, ever be able to look at a toilet quite the same again. I cannot believe I lost. When y’all started, you were pushing hard, and you weren’t pushing, and I went toward the ditch. That’s ’cause he wasn’t putting out over here. Always. It’s called technical difficulties.
And you lose this time. Well, you get free food for a year. Compliments Willie’s diner. And his specialty is bologna sandwiches. Bologna? Congratulations. I love bologna. Thank you, man. Enjoy. Hey. You like bologna? Bologna’s my favorite. I’m starting to like you better already. Yeah. And it’s free. Hey.
Get out of here What are we doing? sucker. Building a haunted house, that doesn’t exactly get you in the Halloween spirit. I’m going to tell you, the scariest movie of all times has got to be “Halloween.” But a good slasher movie, that gets the heart pumping. There’s just something about a man with a mask and a butcher knife.
I know. I watched that with my eyes closed. What? Yeah, it’s not for everyone. Your eyes closed? It sounded scary. It’s best to keep the kids away from it. No, I like Freddy Krueger. Now, he’s scary. You mean Freddy Krueger? No, I’m talking about, hey, Freddy Krueger, the scariest movie of all. Hey, look, the guy comes at you when you’re asleep.
That scares me because I sleep a lot. That is true. That movie, “Ghost,” that was a scary horror movie. That movie Whoopi Goldberg was in? Yeah. Yeah, that’s that’s not a horror movie. That was a chick flick. Yeah, but it was still scary. Oh. I’m glad you did it. He needed that. Don’t you think “Ghost” is a scary movie? The one with Patrick Swayze? Yes.
No. Hey, let me show you how to scare somebody. Oh, boy. Hey, hey, hey. The scariest thing about this scare house is that Si is going to be in it. Ooh, what does that do? Stop. Quit messing with that. There’s something evil out there and it’s lurking in the dark.I can feel it in the air.
It’s getting cold in here. Oh! This is “Thriller,” Jack. Si, that’s not “Thriller.” That was the twist. I’m not sure even remembers “The Thriller.” Thriller! Can’t see the buttons anymore. You’ll break a hip. Oh. Look out now. Don’t hurt yourself, Si. This dance is from somewhere deep down in that twisted brain of his.
Si, Si! What? You’re really scaring me. It’s thr1ller time. And trust me, it is twisted. All right, everybody, it’s show time. Welcome, everyone, to the Duck Commander scare house. Follow me. Don’t be scared. Well, we worked on the scare house all day, and the witching hour is finally upon us. This is the most s4vage criminal in all the world.
Now it’s time for my favorite part of Halloween, scaring the crap out of little kids. We’ve got an electric chair, there are zombie teenagers stumbling around. Go. Run, run, run. Martin’s chasing kids with a chainsaw. And SI Be very quiet. Do not wake the Beavers.
Who’s going to be scared of that? I’m a very mean beaver, and I love little children the best. All right, I guess I’m wrong sometimes.Oh, I don’t want to have any nightmares. Beavers have been my nightmare all my life. Come on, y’all, let’s do it. Not yet. Putting on a show today.
What? One hand. All men should be able to build and a.ssemble. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I don’t know if I want it here. I got to make sure Jess can see the kids. I don’t want it too close to the pond. As men, we’re holding up our end of the bargain. Wait, wait, move it further this way. It ain’t getting lighter.
Be a man. Build something, anything. Come toward me a little bit. It doesn’t matter where we move it. I don’t want to have to do this twice. You’re not doing it once. I’m just being a good supervisor. Boss. What are you talking about? Boss. This thing will be a cinch. All right, drop this on three. Wait, drop it easy.
Drop it on three. On three? Or like one, two? Three. Installed. You just tore up my yard. It’s gra.ss. It doesn’t have feelings. Whoa. You’re worried about your gra.ss? Yeah, I’m worried about my gra.ss. See, look how good it looks. Do you have gra.ss like this? I didn’t think so. What kind of tool is this? Oh, that’s my favorite tool.
That’s my crapper. Your what? My crapper. Crapper? Yeah, for in the woods. I put it in the back of my truck, sit on it. Like a boss. I have no idea what would possess a man to carry a toilet seat in the back of his truck. You just poop right there in the middle of the road? Sometimes you got to lean back. You know, if you’ve got a tough one.
I feel like I need to just wash my hands just listening to this conversation. I don’t want to be using your tools that have been rubbing shoulders with your portable toilet seat. My name’s engraved in it. So when my pants are down, it engraves my name in my butt. I need a bigger buffer zone between my hand and your rear end.
Just checking to see if y’all wanted something to drink. Oh, no. We don’t have time for coffee. We’re fixing to build the greatest fortress ever. Are you excited, kids? Yeah. Yeah. If there’s one thing I know, it’s how to build a fort. I’m going to call it a play tress. Oh, that’s a good one, babe. They don’t name cities after playhouses.
They name cities after forts. You can call it a playhouse if you want. I’m going to call it a fort. Google how many cities are named “Fort.” It’s hundreds. Play tress. You know how many are playhouses? I was showing them my porta potty. Oh yeah, don’t you like this? Oh, man. She touched it. What? Don’t touch that.
I don’t see how you could touch that. Well, his His naked butt’s been on that. We’re wasting daylight here. All right, guys. We’re excited about the playhouse. Aren’t we, guys? Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. Y’all be careful. Hey, I’m always let’s quit talking and start building this fort. Play tress.
