Being ICONIC for 35 Minutes Straight
MAN: You want to go double or nothing? MAN: All right. Just give me a five. That’s 25. Boys, what am I doing over here working my tail off while you boys are playing dominoes? Si, it’s because you are the reed man. Once you make the reeds, we make the duck calls. Y’all ain’t got a clue how much I h@te these reeds.
Well, when you just do something like I’ve been doing these reeds over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over, hey, that will make a man snap like a twig. Did y’all see my tea gla.ss? That’s 10. Did y’all see my tea gla.ss? Go ahead, give me 10. That’s 10. It’s hot, I’m getting thirsty.
Which one of you idiots my tea gla.ss? Give me a five. Everybody talking at the same time SI: I know one of these knuckleheads has got my tea gla.ss. It might take me a while, but I’m gonna get to the bottom of it. Good night! Hey boy, y’all the tea gla.ss? Thanks a lot, Marty.
Hey! Aw! Tea gla.ss. Hey! Hey! It’s hot Play! Tea gla.ss Whoo! Hey! Yes! Hey! I didn’t anything. What? Where’s the darn tea gla.ss at? Si, we don’t have your tea gla.ss. Si, your tea cup is not only disgusting, but I would rather play patty cake with a de@d mouse than touch your teacup.
One of you idiots is bound to got it. It ain’t over here where I had it. Si, we’re busy. I’m like Aretha Franklin I don’t get no around this joint. I’m about to just, you know, go berserk on you boys. No, boys, hey, I tell you what Here’s the whole deal, boys. You know, it’s all this, ha, ha, ha Si, we’re just everything’s funny, and a joke with y’all, OK? We’re just kidding! Homie don’t play that.
Hey! Y’all frame them babies, because hey, it’s the last one this cat’s doing. I’m out of here like a tornado, boys. Hey, I quit. I think he really just quit. So we might as well finish this game. Well, I’m gonna finish the game. MAN: He didn’t even turn in a two weeks’ notice. Hey, did y’all finish them duck pickers? No, we’ve run into a problem.
Shocker. Si cut out. Huh? Si quit. He quit what? He quit his job. Go tell him to come back. Si cracks up and loses it about every month. It’s fine. Usually, if you just let him sit a while, he’ll forget why he quit in the first place. You’re not getting what I’m telling you. He really quit. He’s gone! What did you say to him? Nothing that I hadn’t said 10 times before.
I think hey, I’m telling you, I think the strain was more than he could bear. You wait till he needs that paycheck, he gonna be right back up here. Oh, I know. That’s why the first thing I did is, I told Linda to take him off the payroll. Get some of that! Jase! Jack! You don’t take people off the payroll. I make those decisions.
Well, what are you going to do? The first thing I’m going to do is take him off the payroll. I just took care of it. Second thing I’m going to do is tell you to go back here and get them duck calls made. That’s what we’re doing. That’s what I say you’re doing. All right. Do you have any 10s? Nope, go fish. You got any aces? I’m not playing with you if you keep doing this.
You need to work on your poker face, OK? Oh! What a sweet kitty. Oh, that cat’s been acting weird lately. Really? Yeah. He’s staying out all hours, and look, he come back the other day and he had spaghetti all over his face. Well, he found some spaghetti No. who cares? My dogs go out and find stuff, too, to eat.
He’s got a home. He don’t need to be going out to another one. Me and Sweet Pea, hey, look, we’re like two peas in a pod. We’re both like, you know, take naps, OK? We both like fried crawfish, all right? And then we both land on our feet if you drop us off of the roof. Maybe it’s like “Lady and the Tramp.” I ain’t gonna put up with no hanky pankys.
And they’re going to a little alley, and there’s an Italian restaurant. Oh, yeah, I bet there is. Look, but lately, my little napping buddy has turned into a two timing heifer on me. Purring like he’s met the love of his life. Have you ever thought about following Sweet Pea and see where he goes? You want me to stalk my cat is what you’re saying? That’s right pet detective.
Like Jesse Ventura? I think it was Ace Ventura. Jesse Ventura was a a mayor of some California town. He was a wrestler! Well, all I know is he got k1lled by the predator. That is weird. It is weird. So where’d Sweet Pea go? Hey, no need for Jesse Ventura. I got Sweet Pea under house arr.est, Kay, and I’ll probably put a chain and ball on him, too.
Si What? that door is open. Gah! I left it open. Good grief! Si, we’ve got to follow him and see where he’s going. Right, he’s living a double life on me. Would you want me to call Phil? He’s a tracker. No, Phil don’t even like cats. I know the perfect person. He’s a tracker and a notary public. I don’t know where that cat is.
Ain’t no telling where that idiot’s at. Goodness. What’s Mountain Man doing here? That’s who I called, Kay. I hope that’s not a mistake. Hey! What seems to be the problem here? Well, Mountain Man, is a case of infidelity. He’s went off with another woman. Infidelity? He’s got a girlfriend. What about Christine? No, Mountain Man, you don’t understand it, OK? It’s about my cat.
Named Sweet Pea! He won’t that’s right he won’t stay at home. OK, well, let me take a look around here and see what I can see. Well, hey, he’s one tricky cat now. I’m telling you, you better bring your A game. He left the door open. You left the door open? Well, hey, look. Was you trying to get rid of the cat? No, I ain’t trying to get rid of him He’s just getting old! trying to do something with him.
OK, well, he’s somewhere around here, I’d imagine. Wow. Mhm. All right, look, Mountain Man, he’s like a redneck pocket knife. He’s good for all sorts of jobs. He’s also old, rusty, and dull as a .. Smells like a cat. But you could call him an idiot trevante because he’s got tracking abilities. Hey, I just like to call him Mountain Man though.
It looks like he’s headed that way, too. Should we take a picture of that? Mountain Man on his knees? No! Gah, I don’t think so. No, of that track, and make sure. I can’t see no track, Kay. Well, they’re headed that way and they smell fresh. They’re going straight that a way. They headed that way and they smell fresh, Kay.
Did you get that? They smell fresh. Through here. Mhm, he’s going through here. This is like Scooby Doo. Yeah, this is like Scooby Doo all right. Go ahead there, Shaggy! Mhm. Si, I feel like I’m on a wild goose chase. Except I don’t see any geese or gooses around here, Kay. Well, a wild cat chase, then.
Well, hey. Mountain Man, what are you doing? I think she’s in there. Hey, it’s not a she, it’s a he. OK. Put those binoculars away. You’re being a creep. Hadn’t you heard about the castle rule? That’s his castle. He’s got a right to shoot you! All right, all right. I’ve had it with the cat. Come on, let’s go to the house.
I’ve had all I can stand of this lost cat for one day. Come on, Shaggy! Hey, look, I can’t believe I’ve wasted three hours looking for that stupid cat. Hey! There she is! That is a he. OK. Where did you get this toy? Look, this is the perfect example that felines are just like women. Well, that’ll be $5 for the tracking please, Si.
$5! Look, every once in a while you’re reminded, hey, don’t waste your time trying to figure them out. You big, fat rascal you. You ain’t worth two cents. Look, just be happy with the time you get to spend with them. At least you don’t have to, you know, spend time with Mountain Man. $5! You know what, Sweet Pea’s home, she’s well, she’s happy.
It’s not a she, Kay, it’s a he! You got to admit, Sweet Pea is a little girl’s name. You got to admit, Sweet Pea is a little girl’s name. Oh, good grief. JASE: Well, today is the day. At any moment Reed’s proposing to Brighton. But I had the perfect idea for what he should do. It ain’t what you done, is it? No.
OK, good. It’s kind of taking what I did and making it better. Oh, good grief. ‘Cause I realize where I could have made it better. While my proposal had many great qualities I took the ring, I buried it in a little potted plant. That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard of. it was not the most romantic proposal possible.
Mine was not good either. JASE: My engagement story was awesome. We’re at mom and dad’s, and we’re sitting there laying on the bed. And I was just like, why don’t we just get married, like, tomorrow? So she was like, all right. That’s it? Hey, there you go. There’s a man who knows what to do. You like that? SI: You wanna marry me? Short, sweet, to the point.
But after hearing these guys and their less than stellar proposals I took Paula squirrel h.unting. I have the greatest proposal in this Duck Call room. Me and the woman went to a restaurant. I said, hey, we gonna get hitched or not? You know? And she said, nah. Eight hours later, she finally said yes. JASE: Eight hours later? SI: Yeah.
Was this a proposal or was this an interrogation? It’s a sh0ck that any of these guys are married. Women want an innovator. They want a pi Pirate? No. They want a pioneer. SI: Hey, speaking about that, you guys got an innovator right here with y’all. What in the world? What is that? SI: I ain’t quite got the band worked out on yet, boys.
Yeah. Camouflage your beard. JEP: You’ve snapped. I what? Done. You’re done here. He gone. SI: Nah, I ain’t done. I got a meeting at 3:00 with Willie. Willie’s not gonna like that. Sure he’ll like it. No he’s not. Did you buy that t shirt? Look, to make an omelet, you gotta crack an egg. I’ll told you, I’m an innovator.
Dad, do you know anything about bell curves? Well, there’s a certain curve in business that will curve. Somehow it curves. So since you’re so good at business, my teacher said that if we get a local business person to come speak in cla.ss, then we get extra credit. And that would be awesome, because I really need it.
When do they want me to come? Tonight. Sad1e, why don’t you give me a little heads up here? Yeah, but Y’all need to take a cla.ss on scheduling. Business 101, set up a schedule. Willie, we still good for our 3:30? Can we do it tomorrow? You had a meeting with me scheduled. You just said scheduling is, like, key to business.
SI: Yeah. Si SI: Come on. Bring ’em in. WILLIE: Why is Godwin in my office? Why is he setting up an easel? That’s part of the presentation. I don’t have time to hear Have you ever wondered why, when we’re duck h.unting, I’m not k1lling much? I think it’s kind of obvious. You can’t shoot. You can’t see. SI: Nah. It ain’t that.
Look You can’t hear. Just to help the sales pitch, OK, it works better when you say, yes. Well, that’s not a sales pitch. Look, the answer is yes. If you’re giving a sales pitch, you can’t tell me what to say. Have you ever wondered why I’m not k1lling any ducks when we’re duck h.unting? Si, I never think about that.
I knew you was wondering. Si The reason is they’re seeing this white beard. I’m sure it is. Look, turn my sign around. GODWIN: Dun dun dun dun! Beard a flage. Beard a flage. Hey, like many geniuses, OK, my brilliance is underappreciated. Willie’s never jumped on board about any of my ideas in the past.
Help me help you make some big money. Si Every time I touch this, all I hear is cha ching, cha ching, cha ching. Look, I’ve pitched plenty of brilliant ideas. For example, Pitch “Purrfect.” He taped a microphone to his cat. And who can forget Parmesan Wayne? Parmesan Wayne? It was a cheese grater shaped like a cowboy.
All right, actually, that’s kind of a good idea. The Hey K 47. The Hey K 47 was supposed to fire any time you said, hey. Hey!I mean, if Fat Albert came on TV, everyone would have to duck for cover. Hey WILLIE: Do you want my opinion? Hit me with it. It’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen in my life.
SI: You’re not thinking this through. I didn’t tell you the best part. You know what this is made out of? You better not have cut up one of our shirts to do that. One of them? Nah, look, this was the prototype. It took me 10. Are you kidding? Look, you got a warehouse full of free t shirts. They’re not free t shirts.
I buy them. Look, we’re gonna make a bunch of money on this. It takes money to make money. Godwin It takes money to make money. You should say that tonight. Do not forget that. Why? What do y’all got going on tonight? Nothing. It’s a thing for my cla.ss. Sad1e We’re supposed to get a businessman to come in, and so Dad’s doing our business for it.
Oh, he’s doing the lecture? Yeah. Sad1e! I’ll be there. Never tell him any future plans that you have. SI: Well, look, I’m trying to start a business here. So, hey, I might learn something from what you got to say. Never tell him where you’re going. Yeah, I’ll be there. WILLIE: All right. Thank you. I’m not interested.
SI: Come on, Godwin. We gotta go do work on some more shirts. Do not cut anymore of my t shirts. SI: Hey, I’ll see you tonight at the business cla.ss. I might actually learn something. Hey, guys. I’m Willie Robertson, and it’s an honor to be invited to come back and share a little wisdom with you about business.
One of the most important things about business is actually selling a product. So do I have any volunteers to sell me something? Sad1e, thank you, come on down. OK. WILLIE: Sad1e, I have here an eraser. OK. Why do I need that eraser? It’s durable. It’s affordable. And it’s the best eraser you will ever come across.
I just don’t think I need that eraser. OK. Nah, nah, nah, nah. Do not take no for an answer. You’re gonna refuse to hear no. OK. Actually, new data suggests that the time spent trying to change a no to a yes can actually equate to a sizable opportunity cost. Look, it turns out ol’ Willie’s wasting everybody’s time, all right.
But, hey, yours truly I’m fixing to fix that. Somebody’s been googling stuff. I don’t think that I agree with that. Si, what are you doing up here? Do you want to buy this eraser? I don’t know. Let me see it. Yeah, I do. Si I need this eraser. Hey, I’m fixing to give these students a real life lesson in sales.
And I’m not gonna take no for an answer, unless the question is, has there ever been a better product than Beard a flage? And the answer to that is, no! Si, I’m the teacher, and I’m telling you Actually, I’m the teacher. And let’s hear him out. What we need is Beard a flage. I’m going to sit down. Si, nobody wants to hear this stupid idea.
Yeah, they do. Hello, students. My name is Si Robertson. I’m an inventor. He’s got the entrepreneurial spirit. And look, I’m looking for investors to invest in my Beard a flage. And if anybody wants to buy this one, look, $39.95. Si? ‘Cause, look, I’ve got a warehouse full of t shirts. I can make another prototype.
WILLIE: Si! What? You do not have a warehouse full of t shirts. Oh, sure I do. Here. There’s 20 bucks. I just bought this. We’re done. You can sit down. All right, all right. Thank you. All right, are there any more questions? Si? How do you manufacture 1,000 of just what I just sold you? Oh! Whoa, that cold! Willie, I’m gonna give you one more chance to come on board with me.
All right, I’ll give you $100, but I want 51% of the company. You’ve lost your mind. I can’t give up that much equity. Sad1e, you want to buy in? That doesn’t really apply to me though. I can’t. Yeah, but look, I’m gonna make women, you know, hey. You just said, I’m gonna make women hey. OK I’ll do $101 for 51%.
SI: Boy, the lemons don’t fall far from the tree. Deal’s off! I’ll just keep my company. And, hey, when I’m a millionaire, y’all can borrow money from me.]Well, hey, it was a bait and switch. Just because it’s about a teddy bear comin’ to life does not mean it’s a family friendly movie. I saw this movie about a teddy bear, and it was real bad.
You should just chalk it up to a lesson learned. Hey, what is this world coming to? When we can’t even count on teddy bears to give us wholesome entertainment? Hey, he was cussin’ and doin’ drugs and junk. Next thing you know, hey, the Care Bears going to start gangs, you know, hey, you got Teddy Ruxpin doing’ drugs with Paddington? You didn’t notice the “Rated R”? No, I a.ssumed it was rated PG.
We got Winnie the Pooh stickin’ up, you know, stores, talkin’ about, “Hand over the honey, nice and slow, or the piglets get it.” And not only that, the stupid ending, though, was terrible. You watched the whole thing? Well, hey, I ain’t gonna waste my money. Well, you did. Oh, my goodness. What in the world? What ? What’s up? You want to explain this to me? Well, Willie brought these in today.
What is this? Well, you’re supposed to stand at these. For what? Willie said if you work standing up, it keeps the bl00d flowin’, keeps you on your toes. Hey, the man is gone cr4zy if he thinks I’m gonna stand here like a prairie dog. Hey, he’s lost his mind, I ain’t no prairie dog. Hey, look, forget it, you’re not gonna teach this old dog new tricks.
They do do this.Hey, I changed my mind, that’s pretty cool. JASE: Si! Now, you can bring an old dog new toys, okay? And we got one here. Oh, this’ll be cool for about five minutes. I like push buttons. Hey, how high does this thing go? The sky’s the limit, Si. Oh, that, right there. I guess that’s the limit.
Every inch that that goes up, the quality of your life goes down. Hey, this thing’s for giants. I’m gonna give him a piece of my mind. Third floor, please. JEP: Stand by. SI: Beam me up, Scotty! MAN 1: Here it is! Paradise awaits! MAN 2: Si, you think you could climb one of those trees and get us one of those fresh coconuts? SI: No.
WOMAN: We’re here. SI: Ah, here we go. We’re here, we’re here. We may have started off the vacation with a bit of a hitch, but I always try to keep a positive attitude. Here we go. So I have to keep pep talking myself. Ahh… here we go, here we go. Here we go. WILLIE: We haven’t even checked in and I’m already feeling happier and relaxed.
WOMAN: Aloha. JASE: Aloha, aloha. Si, get you a WOMAN: Aloha. Ah. Aloha to you, too, senorita. JASE: Did you just say “ahoy”? I’m tryin’ to speak the language, you el stupido. Si! You gotta go with the country, man, okay? Speak the native language. That’s Spanish. Hey, Spanish… This is Hawaii.
I know what they’re speakin’, trust me. I’m what some people call, hey, cultured, okay? I’m like a fine, stinky cheese. Just call me muenster, limburger, cheddar, Swiss… Hey. Brie. If you can’t speak English, don’t try… Hawaiian. CONCIERGE: It looks like we have all of the rooms except for we do not have one for Mr. Silas Robertson.
It looks like a travel agency booked all of yours but his. We will be able to get him into his own room tomorrow. Okay, well, he can stay with us. It sucks for whoa. Remember all that stuff I was sayin’ about staying positive? Yeah, well, that didn’t work. We’re not putting Uncle Si at another hotel. He’ll be fine, he can stay with us.
Korie. We have whale watching tours, scuba diving tours, manta ray diving tours, volcano tours. Hey, no, I don’t want to see no whales. I want to see the Mayan ruins. Si, there ain’t Mayans in Hawaii. Hey, don’t pay no attention to him, he don’t know his history. Si, the Mayans were in Mexico. Am am I right? Mexico.
I don’t think she knows what she’s talkin’ about. Hey, look, you gotta brush up on your history before you go somewhere. That’s the respectful thing to do. Si, you’re embarra.ssing yourself. What are you talkin’ about? Look here I’m the most cultured man in this whole family, okay? I’ve been to Vietnam, been to Germany, been to Boise, Idaho, went to Shreveport last week.
Everybody knows that the Mayans were in Hawaii. Hey, I know I’m in Hawaii, all right? Home of the burrito. No. I’m sure there’s Mayans here, I’m telling you. SI: This is a conspiracy. They got the concierge in on this thing. Everybody’s against me. What do you have that’s like Mayan ruins? I
f you want to see ruins, we do have… What? It was built by Hawaiians in 1790. Pitiful. Why would I want to go back to the last century when the Mayans were 50 million years ago? Si, that’s a different tr.i.p, we have to go on a different tr.i.p. Right, let’s go watch a bullf1ght, then. CONCIERGE: Okay, so here’s all your keys for all of the rooms.
KORIE: Perfect. And we do also have your luggage it was brought down from the main lobby. Oh, that’s great. And it’s all right there. WILLIE: Not all our luggage. I’m missing a bag that’s supposed to come in. I’m sure they’re gonna let us know. Okay. Thank you. Can we get rubber sheets to put on that bed? What? Willie.
WILLIE: Hey, he drinks a lot of tea. There’s Mayan ruins somewhere. All right! WILLIE: We got the room keys. All right, Si, you’re with us. What? They were short a room, so… Yeah, it’s a disaster. Hey, look here, if you’re gonna have to bunk with me, that’s fine, but hey, look, you gotta understand, sometimes nature calls.
This is gonna be awful. Si’s a prime candidate for one of those urinary tract drugs. When it calls, you gotta answer it. Like when the phone rings, hey, you pick it up. Do you experience frequent tr.i.ps to the bathroom? It’s nature. Inconsistent flow? Call of the wild. Stopping and starting? You can’t stop dogs from barking.
You can’t stop whales from moaning. Then you might be in a room with Si. You can’t stop me from whizzing. Alarm time about eight o’clock. Oh… I know how you like to sleep late. Yeah. So much for relaxin’. They’re gonna pull a roll out bed out, it’ll be fine. Korie can rationalize all she wants, but I can tell when she’s in p4nic mode, because she goes into positivity overload.
We’re all right, we’ll be fine. It’s just for one night. They’re gonna bring a roll out bed, so it’ll be fine. He’ll just stay with us, it’s okay. So we’re good. All right! Awesome. All right, look… Everybody, let’s meet at the pool in an hour, all right? You got a free hand, grab my bags when you go by there.
I ain’t grabbin’ nothin’ of yours, son. Willie, you need to chill out, dude, we’re on vacation. I’m aware we’re on vacation, I booked it. And I am relaxed. WOMAN: Good one, babe. JASE: What in the world? WOMAN: Ooh! Nice legs, Si! Si, you better watch them shorts. Watch how much you straddle, you’re gonna have something hanging out there.
We’re good. This is my Hawaiian attire. When I get told to bring appropriate attire… hey, that’s what I do. Si, I didn’t know you was a Tiger fan. I’m not. If I was heading to Miami, hey, I’d have a white sports coat and a pink t shirt. Dallas, it’d be a big, ten gallon cowboy hat and a belt buckle. Hawaii, Tigers hat and a flowery red shirt.
It’s like I said before, you gotta blend in with the culture. What, are you Magnum P.I.? Hey, look, now it’s Magnum P. Si. Oh, my goodness! SI: Hey, look, I already got my first case. Uh oh. Willie’s payin’ me $500 to find his missing luggage. Ooh! Hey. What are you girls drinkin’? This is a lava flow.
That looks like a Mai Tai. Hey, hey, Si! Now, it’s a Si Tai bam! Oh, my goodness. That’s what I’m talkin’ about. Hey fruity flavor. Aloha! Hey, baby. Alo ha. You’re wearin’ a dress, man. What, this? It’s a sarong. That looks like a dirty tablecloth. That looks like a dirty tablecloth. Since the airline has misplaced my baggage, I had to purchase an entire new wardrobe.
And you know what? It’s actually quite freeing. I think it’s cute can I borrow that for dinner tonight? I don’t have any luggage, I had to buy this at the gift shop. Hey, I’m workin’ on getting this luggage. What is it? SI: A little like Russell Crowe in “Gladiator,” huh? No, you don’t. What are you talkin’ about, gladiators? Gladiators didn’t wear satin skirts.
Are you not entertained? WOMAN: You look like a girl in that skirt! You look like a girl. I’m pretty sure you just offended Russell Crowe. I think he looks great, he looks Hawaiian. WILLIE: Thank you. Where’s Phil and Kay? Hey, Phil ain’t much of a pool man. …hard to catch.
No problem! Let’s go over the itinerary of what we’re gonna do. WOMEN: What? Itinerary? Yep. JASE: This is like a second grader’s homework. But hey, I see nowhere on here “nap time”. Pipe down, Si. Okay, let’s go over the itinerary. Hey, you don’t plan a vacation. This is an adventure. You go there and then have a vacation.
Amen, Si. WILLIE: I can’t believe people don’t appreciate a good itinerary. I went to great lengths to make sure it’s the best vacation we’ve ever had. What’s a vacation without an itinerary? You’re gonna lay around like a bunch of lazy slobs. Yes. Y’all have fun. The itinerary must d1e. This is what we’re gonna do.
For real? You can’t have an itinerary and be on vacation. That’s a vacation with a work schedule, according to you. I’m gonna go take surf lessons. Who’s in? I’ll go and watch you take surf lessons, how about that? Jase is in, I’m countin’ that. All right, that’s two of us in. Who else is in? SI: I’m good. What does that mean? You in? I’m good.
I’m going with ya. Bam! I got two. Who else? I’m good. We’re good. All right, I’m gonna go force a couple of the kids to go and we are off on our adventure. So long, suckers! JASE: Get outta here, with your man skirt! WILLIE: It’s a sarong! JASE: Uh oh, he’s he’s up! Boom! He’s down! SI: Hey, I’m ready to try anything.
I’m serious, that looks fun. I’m outta here. All right. Good luck with it. Go get ’em, Si! Back in ‘nam, I was a surfing king. I could hang ten, hang loose, shred a wave, walk the plank, high five. I would pull the most awesome roundhouse cutback. Hey, and blast down the line. It was totally gnarly. JASE: Go for it, Si! Si just bit it.
Hey, I was a little worried at first, okay? But, hey, it all started coming back to me. Hey, and for Willie, everything came back up. JASE: Look at Willie. He’s beaten and battered! Yeah, he barfed. SI: He just looks like a whipped, swamped donkey. Willie, your itinerary’s not doing you much good now, is it? Willie took a beating.
Yeah, I figure he gets past the sore muscles, projectile vomiting, nausea, dizziness. He’ll be all right in a couple of days. What’s next on the itinerary? Hey, I feel like I’m 20 years old again. Kowabunga! I don’t know what Si’s doing, but he looks like he’s having fun. SI: Hyah! Get up here! Riding the Segway…
was like riding a mechanical chariot. Hey, this is a little horse here rolling. Hyah! Hyah! Hyah! Hyah! Hyah! Hyah! Hyah…! Hey, let’s get a move on it. I’m in a jungle! Si, watch out for the parking lot. Ahh…! WILLIE: Whoa, whoa, whoa! SI: Come back here, you heifer. Boys, let’s head to the jungle.
On Segways! You have got to be kidding. This is futuristic idiocy. I’m gettin’ dizzy. Fortunately, for me, I have a solution to the problem. All right, let’s play chicken, right here. If I win, no Segway. Let’s go. Uh uh. Jase, don’t do it. Jase, you’re too close. You’re chicken. Look at you, you’re such a chicken.
Whoa. There you go, man. Yeah, break your leg, son. You’re supposed to ride with confidence, not cockiness. Whoop oh, oh! “Let’s go ride the Segways, it’s an adventure!” Ah, I just broke my shoulder. What is the point of this adventure? All you’ve proven to me is that the law of gravity is more dominant than modern technology.
Close your knees, this is awkward. SI: Hey, I need my spurs and a whip, and I’ll teach this little heifer a lesson she wouldn’t forget. Whoa Hyah! Whoa! Well, there went Si. That heifer got to me. That heifer got to me. She finally got to me. All right, I’m gonna break and we’ll start back up. JASE: Okay, this is more fun than I thought.
Now, this is what I’m talkin’ about, see? When you set out on an adventure, you see what happens? You stumble up on history. That’s right. This is the dumbest adventure There are your Mayan ruins! What did I say? What did I say? This is not Mayan ruins! Yeah, it is. This is a Mayan ruin. Hey, Mayan ruins. SI: This is known as “The Burial Rock”.
As if it’s not bad enough that this tr.i.p has totally gone off the rails, now Si has something he’s never had before… You see what I’m talkin’ about? Visual confirmation of one of his delusions. This is where warriors came and they jumped off this to test their courage. SI: It wasn’t to show courage, it was where they threw the chief off, and then they’d go back and have a big party all night.
You know what I’m fixin’ to do, Si? And get y’all soused on coconut milk! Jase, what are we doing here? I tell you what I’m fixin’ to do. I’m fixin’ to jump off here. Jase. If you go, I’ll go. WILLIE: Jase! That’s what I’m talkin’ about! This ain’t on the itinerary. I don’t do itineraries. I do memoirs. I’m done with the itinerary.
This train has taken us to some kind of cool, rocky tower thing that I’m pretty sure we could jump off of. You can’t f1ght destiny. This is the vacation. I ain’t doin’ it. Take the dress off and do something! No. It’s not that I’m scared. I don’t like heights. I am the CEO of a multi million dollar business.
I don’t buckle to peer pressure. I’m doin’ it. I’m gonna leave my socks on. SI: He gonna leave his socks on, he’s gonna lose them. You just got to go for it. Kowabunga! SI: There’s one down. Whoo! Okay! Viva Mayans! WILLIE: Bull crap on that, son. What Willie needs to do is break the chains of being a workaholic.
Take a leap of faith. Come on, Willie! You guys are cr4zy! I ain’t doing it! This is a spiritual man baptism. I ain’t doin’ it! He goes in wearin’ a skirt… I ain’t doing’ it! He comes up embarra.ssed that he had a skirt on. Man up! This is starting to get absurd. Why does proving my manhood always end up in me jumpin’ off something? SI: Here, chicken boy.
Okay, I would be lyin’ if I said this was the first time this had ever happened. Jump! Now I’m gonna have a flashback. Don’t screw this up! Shut up! Jump! Jump! Jump! Shut up. Now that that’s settled, let’s get back to reality. Come on, Willie! Jumping into unknown water sounds about as smart as givin’ Sad1e my credit card.
But now my brothers took the plunge… Man up! My uncle’s squawkin’ in my ear like a chicken. And I’ve got a sarong around my waist. No choice. Here we go again. JASE: One… Two… Jump! Ahh! Ooh! That’s cold! Hey, now! JASE: Jumpin’ off this 20 foot rampart was exactly what this vacation needed.
Congratulations, Willie. Oh, crap! Good to have you back. Enjoy your life now you’re livin’! Whoo! I admit it, that was pretty fun. It doesn’t make it any less stupid, but it was still fun. All right, Willie, you’re still a warrior. And actually, if the guys had read the itinerary, they would’ve seen that I allowed 22 minutes of free time to do stuff like this anyway.
So it’s kind of my idea.I feel like a warrior. You’re welcome. Hey, y’all muchi loco! I’m goin’ back to the sunny side of the island. Stupid gringos.
